Root & Sky: Throat & Neck Salve

Root & Sky: Throat & Neck Salve

A Topical Ode to Your Most Expressive Body Part

"For that delicate area where words, scarves, and existential sighs collect."

Key Ingredients & Their Highly Scientific Cosmetic Benefits

🌿 Castor Oil

• What it is: The vegetable world’s answer to duct tape
• What we can say: "Promotes a glossy finish on your life’s canvas (and skin)"
• Traditional use: The reason your great-aunt’s eyebrows survived the 70s

🌞 St. John’s Wort (Solar-Infused)

• What it is: Sunshine in oil form (if sunshine was also a nervous herbalist)
• What we can say: "Adds a golden glow to your external existential crisis zone"
• Regulatory footnote: "May or may not have been whispered about in medieval moonlit gardens"

🌲 Black Spruce Resin

• What it is: Liquid Canadian forest nostalgia
• What we can say: "For when you want to smell like a very grounded tree hugger"

🌼 Calendula (Solar-Infused)

• What it is: The garden’s equivalent of a comforting pat on the hand
• What we can say: "Adds a suspiciously cheerful yellow hue to your solemn self-care rituals"

🪵 Copaiba Resin

• What it is: The Amazon’s answer to "just relax, okay?"
• What we can say: "Provides an exotic backstory for your skincare routine"

🌱 Rosemary

• What it is: The herb that says "I’m sophisticated" while secretly being basic
• What we can say: "For that I-just-returned-from-a-Tuscan-villa aura (even if it’s just your bathroom)"

How to Use (With Plausible Deniability)

1. Apply to neck while murmuring "this is just moisturizer" to any nearby regulators
2. Reapply when:
• Mercury is in retrograde
• Your therapist says "interesting" in that tone
• You need an excuse to leave awkward conversations ("Sorry, my… neck salve is calling")

Disclaimer (The "We Read the Fine Print So You Don’t Have To" Edition)

"This is a cosmetic product. Any resemblance to unapproved therapeutic uses is purely coincidental, poetic, or the result of your overactive imagination. Not evaluated by Health Canada. If you experience unexpected tranquility or life insights, please attribute them to literally anything else (like that meditation app you forgot to cancel)."

LAB RESULTS (A Totally Legit & Not-at-All Made-Up Scientific Breakdown)

Tested For:
☑ Moisturization - "Surpassed 100% of placebo creams made from expired regrets"
☑ Aesthetic Vibes - "Scored 11/10 on the 'Is This Witchcraft or Just Good Botanicals?' scale"
☑ Regulatory Compliance - "Contains 0% hope, 0% promises, and 100% legally-vague poetic license"

Key Findings:

• 83% of users reported feeling vaguely ceremonial while applying
• 47% admitted using it as an excuse to touch their neck thoughtfully in public
• 100% of lawyers confirmed: "This is why we drink"

Safety Notes:

• Chakra Cross-Contamination Warning: May accidentally align your aura (not our fault)
• Spiritual Side Effects: Reported instances of:
• Sudden urge to forgive your ex (rare)
• Unwarranted sense of life purpose (very rare)
• Smugness when explaining "it's just a cosmetic" to friends (extremely common)

QUALITY ASSURANCE GUARANTEE
"We solemnly swear this salve:
✓ Contains no actual magic (just suspiciously well-chosen herbs)
✓ Will not turn you into a wellness influencer (unless that's your thing)
✓ Is definitely, absolutely, unquestionably just for dry skin
...wink"

HOW TO READ THESE "RESULTS"
For Legal Purposes: This is satire.
For Spiritual Purposes: The truth is whatever you believe, bb.